So your social calendar is empty for the coming weekend, and in desperation you've decided to go away with the canoe club. Well, in order to make your trip as memorable as possible (hopefully for the right reasons), we've put together a list of things which should take away the uncertainty from both your packing and your paddling. Following the list to the last detail will undoubtedly enhance your enjoyment of the trip; make you irresistable to the opposite sex (or your own); raise your IQ; cure your athletes foot; and make you want to go paddling again.
Do turn up if you say you're going to, and if you're not going to, let the organiser know well in advance.
Do turn up at the gear shed on time to help (and be very patient while waiting for your trip organiser to turn up).
Don't bring your bean bag and pet labrador along for the ride.
Do check you have a canoe, paddle, spray deck, buoyancy aid and helmet, and that they all fit.
Don't be expecting anyone else to be checking that you've got your gear. They will be having enough trouble checking their own.
Do check that your canoe has footpegs in the right place (ie, on the inside).
Don't have really long legs (it makes footpeg adjustment very hard for those of us with short arms).
Don't be afraid to lend a hand packing gear.
Do volunteer rather than waiting to be asked.
Don't improvise bizarre knotting techniques when tying the boats onto cars.
Do take thermals, waterproofs, sunblock, bowl, cup, spoon, towel, sleeping bag, torch and assorted polythene bags.
Don't expect to see your own bowl, cup or spoon for the duration (or your own sleeping bag if you're lucky).
Don't expect comfort or luxury.
Do expect to wear the same clothes for three days.
Do take lots of changes of clothes anyway, just to ensure that the cars are cosy.
Don't wash (it interferes with group bonding).
Don't fart when in a completely full car.
Don't wear your buoyancy aid inside the car.
Do bring along a couple of trendy cassettes (country and western is not trendy).
Do revise nine original, non-racist, non-sexist, but tasteless jokes.
Do join in with any singing, hand jiving or rythmic gymnastics during the ride.
Don't sit quietly on the back seat as you will automatically be nominated for ridicule and rolling practice for the duration.
Do be prepared to regress to your early teens.
Don't be embarrassed to reveal your inner-most secrets to complete strangers.
Do be doobie da dee, dum diddy waa wop.
Don't accept sweeties from strangers (except for buzz bars).
Do eat lots of food at a hot bread shop or take-away en-route to the river.
Don't let the others find your secret stash of chocolate dinosaurs.
Don't be embarrassed by gross nudity and carnal cavorting; it's only the VUCC competitive massage team at work.
Do try not to tread on anybody's face whilst stumbling around at night when going for a pee.
Don't get into massage debt (ie, give back what you get).
Do put on the kettle if you're the first up in the morning.
Don't make too much noise while you're doing it though.
Do avoid leaving things behind -- especially litter.
Don't expect to go home with all your belongings.
Do ask lots of questions about paddling technique and reading the river.
Don't ask me though.
Do as your river leader says. You know it makes sense...
Don't suffer in silence on the river.
Don't suffer too loudly on the river.
Do find out how to use and catch a throwbag.
Do practice as much as possible, and don't be afraid to try something new.
Don't be afraid to walk a rapid; some of our most daring and fearless members are also yellow-bellied chicken wimps.
Do tell the river leader if you can't swim, or have some medical condition (and hold a handerchief over your face if it's contagious).
Don't pick your nose as there's always some smart-arse with a camera and zoom lens.
Do make and eat the most gross sandwiches you can possibly imagine, as there might be a prize for the most original combination.
Don't lean upstream in a down river back-wash recirculating eddy on the cross stream upwind port bow rail, between the hours of 7am and 12am.
Do save your most embarrassing mistakes for when everyone is watching.
Don't lose your contact lenses on a rapid, as it takes ages to find them.
Do bring along something to read.
Don't read it -- it's antisocial.
Do chew your food 38 times before swallowing.
Don't expect breakfast or lunch to be hurried or interupted by canoeing.
Do make a fashion statement (drab colours and home-made baggy things are 'in', while weeny-boppers and platforms are currently not particularly in-vogue).
Don't have a cheese alergy.
Do put the long-drop lid down (afterwards that is).
Don't trap sandflies under your spray deck.
Do take your boots off before getting into your sleeping bag.
Don't pee in a borrowed wetsuit.
Do note all the embarrassing moments and inner-most secrets revealed over the weekend, and put them in a newsletter article.
Don't drown unless absolutely necessary.
Do have gallons of fun.
Do take a cheque book for the inevitable cost sharing at the post-trip pig out.
Don't forget to say thank-you to the nice person who organised your trip.
Do come again.
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